波多黎各人抖友和单身父亲何塞罗隆讲述他如何将心碎变成欢笑和爱

在我的一生中，有一段时间我认为做父亲对我来说是不可能的。当我18岁出来的时候，没有太多男同性恋成为父母。但是到了2007年，当我遇到我的丈夫蒂姆梅雷尔的时候，世界变了，我也变了。到了我们第三次约会的时候，我就想，'听着，你想不想生孩子？'

蒂姆没有。他告诉我他太自私了，不会和任何人分享我，我知道他也是认真的。所以我和它和解了。和这个了不起的男人在一起是值得的牺牲。但最终，在看到埃尔顿约翰关于父亲身份的采访后，他改变了主意。当蒂姆告诉我他准备好了，我就开始哭了。

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Becoming a Father

我们在2010年结婚后，我们找到了一个令人惊叹的代孕妈妈，并植入了两个胚胎——一个来自我，一个来自他——九个月后，我们的儿子艾弗里出生了。蒂姆非常喜欢当爸爸，当艾弗里只有2个月大的时候，他抱着他走出房间，说："宝贝，知道我在想什么吗？"我躺在沙发上，筋疲力尽，我说，"披萨还是中餐？"他说，'我认为我们应该再要一个孩子。'所以，我们努力了，这次用的是我的精子。

老实说，我希望有另一个男孩。当最终到了和代孕妈妈一起做超声波检查的时候，护士看着我说，"你需要两个发帽。"我当时想，'你在开玩笑吗？'我简直不敢相信。双胞胎女孩？你会认为，作为一个同性恋，我会很高兴，因为我们可以一起做漂亮的事情。但事实上，我对所有美好的事物都感到恐惧。我的马尾辫游戏太不靠谱了。我只知道做男孩，养女孩的想法吓到我了。

Living a Nightmare

蒂姆出差时，我们的代孕妈妈已经怀孕11周了。他总是为了工作而旅行，但这是他自艾弗里出生以来的第一次旅行。那天晚上我们见面了。我永远不会忘记这件事——我们谈了36分钟。他要求看艾弗里睡觉，我说，'绝对不行。我刚把他打倒了

n, and I'm not about to turn on the light." But he begged me, and finally I gave in. Then, we both said, "I love you," and that was it. I remember getting off the call and saying out loud to myself, "Wow, that was really nice."

Tim would always wake me up, and when he didn't text the next morning, I got worried. I kept texting him with increasing urgency throughout the day. I was at a Christmas work event when I got a voicemail on my phone. It was the police, asking me to call them. As I dialed, I was shaking. I remember thinking, "Please just let him be alive." When the detective told me he'd passed away, I just collapsed. He'd had a heart attack in his sleep. He was only 48.

The rest of that day was a blur. It soon became clear, though, what I had to do next: End our pregnancy. Who was I to raise three kids on my own? But six days later, on the morning of Tim's funeral, I looked at Avery and thought, "What if something were to happen to me?" I didn't want to leave him alone in this world. So I made a decision, and during Tim's eulogy, I announced to a church full of people that we had twins on the way.

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Jose walking for portrait against orange and yellow brick wall Credit: Heather Moore

Building a Community

What happened next was so beautiful. People swooped in to support me in every possible way. When you're a two-parent household, nobody ever offers to help. They assume you've got it, even though parenting, no matter what, is always a hot mess. With me, nobody assumed I had everything under control, and it took a good year after Lilah and London were born for me to start kicking people out of my house. They say you know who your true friends are at times like these. I don't always believe that's true, because people deal with grieving differently. But I had friends, family, and strangers offer to help. I'd only just launched my business as a wedding planner, and three different caterers, two of whom were in legal battles with each other, even showed up for us!

We never want people to see our own ugly or craziness, but unless you let them in and say yes to help, you will get overwhelmed. The pandemic is a great example of that. Suddenly all parents experienced this collective burnout. That's why I began making TikTok videos as @nycgaydad. It really just started as a way to break up the monotony of remote schooling and the stress of parenting and trying to save my business. Plus, as a single parent, I don't have somebody at the end of the night to talk about our experiences with. When the kids score a goal or get a good grade, whom can I tell? It's just me, and that's the hardest part. But on TikTok we've found a community-sharing lip syncs to Celia Cruz, our attempts at making flan, and even a few tributes to Daddy Tim.

Reinventing Family

I don't have a ton of Puerto Rican relatives. I'm an only child, and I lost both of my parents a long time ago. My father passed away when I was 18. He was a total monster-a drug addict who was mentally and physically abusive. He'd take me on drug runs because he figured having a child in the front seat made him less likely to get caught. And he had this whole machismo attitude that's so deeply rooted in Latinx culture. He'd tell me to "walk like a man, not a faggot." My wonderful mom couldn't deal with the grief, and she succumbed to drugs too. She eventually got back on her feet but passed away five years later, when I was 23. They said it was a heart aneurysm.

I'm not someone who believes you have to forgive to move on. I certainly don't forgive my father. The blessing I've found all these years later, though, is that I'm the complete opposite of him. He was never affectionate. He never once said, "I love you." But me? I say it to my kids all the time. We have this routine at bedtime. One of us says, "I love you." The other says, "I love you more." Another says, "Impossible!" That's not to say if I had a good dad, I would've been a bad one. But I don't think I would've gone through all the effort to be the father that I am for my children now.

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Jose with three kids in colorful outfits Credit: Heather Moore

Finding the Blessings

Sometimes I wonder how I've done it, grieving while parenting. There were times I'd think, "Okay, I can cry, but only for five minutes because then I have to show up for my kids with a smile." But, really, they've allowed me to move through the grief. Being a modern Latino dad means I'm not afraid to be openly vulnerable. I can show my kids when I get emotional. I can show them empathy and not put up walls around myself, like my dad did. I feel that it's up to me, and all of us, to break down those barriers.

When I look at all the tragedies I've been through, I just feel so lucky. My kids are awesome human beings-and so different. Lilah is an entertainer, a tomboy who loves showboating and acting. Her twin, London, is the caretaker, a "let's throw glitter in the wind" girly girl. Avery is a cool little cat, so easygoing and balanced. We walk the streets together like a posse, and my days are filled with joy again. And at some point they'll know: They saved my life.

What's In, What's Out

José Rolón's guide to being a modern papi.

Out

Machismo: Go ahead and talk about your feelings-vulnerability is a sign of strength.

Hot tempers: Instead, channel your passion by finding joy in all the little things.

Gender norms: Get your son in the kitchen and your daughter on the soccer field, then switch.

In

Hugs and kisses: Don't let a day go by without showing affection and saying "I love you."

Individuality: Let your kids be who they want to be and discover their own identities.

Inclusivity: Kick it with people of all races and backgrounds. It will help your children adapt to any situation as adults.

This article originally appeared in Parents Latina's June/July 2021 issue as "Papi Power."

Parents Latina

• By José Rolón, as told to Erin Bried