教孩子接受各种家庭的6种方法

当我接近40岁，仍然单身时，很明显，我的穿着闪亮盔甲的骑士，或者任何骑士，都不在路上。我可以接受这一点，但对我来说，做母亲的需求是不可谈判的。2014年，我在谷歌上搜索了我的选择，找到了一个新的术语：选择单身母亲(SMC)，其中包括用捐献精子怀孕的女性。我决定走这条路。2016年，我有幸生了一个漂亮的女婴。

但是，在没有父亲的情况下抚养女儿的现实可能令人望而生畏。我担心她会认为自己错过了吗？作为一个成年人，她会知道如何处理与男人的关系吗？

当我报道这个故事时，专家向我保证，孩子健康发展的最重要因素是父母形象的情感可用性，而不是家庭其他成员的长相。但是，当世界认为我和我的孩子是局外人时，这就不那么容易记住了。

RELATED:这就是单身母亲的真实生活根据皮尤研究中心的数据，超过50%的美国孩子生活在非传统家庭（定义为除了两个已婚的异性恋父母和他们的亲生孩子的第一次婚姻之外的任何家庭)。然而，仍然有一部分社会认为所谓的传统家庭是理想的。当这种风气从成年人传递给孩子时，它会使偏见和无知永久化，导致单亲家庭、同性父母组成的家庭以及其他各种各样的家庭对孩子的嘲弄和欺凌。

Cyana Riley曾是华盛顿特区的一名教师，是两个孩子的妈妈，也是《没什么不同》一书的作者，她说："我不得不在教室里回答关于为什么一个孩子没有妈妈的问题。我告诉那个孩子，这个孩子没有妈妈和爸爸，而是有两个非常爱他们的爸爸。托德帕尔是几十本关于非传统家庭的儿童书籍的作者，他也亲眼目睹了父母关于家庭的观念如何影响他们的孩子。当他去学校给学生读他的书名《妈妈书》和《爸爸书》时，他收到了对这句话的反驳

t referenced two-mom and two-dad households. "It created problems for educators," says Parr, "because parents were against their kids hearing this factual information, even in an age-appropriate manner."

When these attitudes trickle down to kids, their peers in nontraditional families can expect to hear comments about the supposed strangeness of their clan. “You don’t look like anybody in your family,” a kid might tell an adopted child. Or, “Why do you live with your grandma?” The alienation a child may feel upon hearing this can be painful.

But we are far from powerless in the fight to change this outcome. Kids, as any parent knows, are sponges. "Children are always watching, and our actions speak louder than our words," says Parents advisor Wayne Fleisig, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Children's of Alabama, in Birmingham.

Here's how to give your child a wide-ranging and inclusive picture of family so they treat other children with kindness, feel pride in their own roots, and grow up to build a life that makes them happy.

• RELATED: The Changing Face of the American Family

mother reading picture book with two boys Credit: Stephanie Rausser

Find children’s media featuring every kind of family.

It's easy to normalize nontraditional families through picture books and TV shows "so that when your kids do come across different kinds of families in real life, it's not weird at all," says Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. She suggests the book My Family, Your Family, by Lisa Bullard, about a little girl named Makayla who goes through the neighborhood looking for something great about the variety of families she encounters. Or try the film Despicable Me, a goofy farce about a supervillain who grows close to three girls from an adoption agency. (Spoiler: He becomes dad to all three.) Parr, whose books like It's Okay to Be Different are also useful, adds that focusing on the love in these stories gets the message across. "Kids in any healthy family unit will relate to that," he says.

two fathers and children having dinner dog underneath table Credit: Priscilla Gragg

Hang out with different kinds of families.

Dr. Fleisig suggests that you "talk to your child about the differences in the family beforehand so they don't say something during the encounter that might unintentionally be hurtful." Jessica Butler, stepmom of two sons, adoptive mom of another, and cofounder of Raise Magazine, a lifestyle site for nontraditional families, recently took her youngest child to play with a friend whose parents were divorced. Before they arrived, she explained the familial setup by saying, "Do you know that your friend has two different houses? Sometimes she lives with her mommy, and sometimes she lives with her daddy. Isn't that cool?"

“If kids are used to being friends with children from all types of families,” Jackson says, “they can be allies for each other. So if there is a disparaging remark made, it’s like, ‘Hey, don’t talk to my friend like that. So what if she has two daddies?’ There’s an alliance there.”

Empower your child.

Instilling confidence starts in the home. A child with high self-esteem has a deeper well of resilience should they be on the receiving end of clueless or cruel comments or questions. If you haven't already, start allowing your kid to be part of certain household decisions like what to make for dinner, how chores are divvied up, or what your weekend plans will be. Having them feel they're contributing to the family builds confidence in the unit, gives them an armor of self-worth, and sets them up for inner stability, Jackson says.

• RELATED: How to Explain Your Same-Sex Family to Other Kids

Answer all their questions.

Parents may find that they are uncomfortable with explaining certain family types to their children, worrying, for example, that talking about divorce may make a child fear their parents could also split up, or that bringing up a transgender parent will raise thorny questions about gender identity. “But you would rather your child get information from you than misinformation from others—or make it up for themselves,” Dr. Fleisig says. Take your time and think about what you want to say in advance, he adds. And know that sometimes complex conversations build a stronger bond. Says Jackson, “Your kids will know they can talk to you about anything, and that is vital, especially as they mature.”

Check in with teachers.

If you notice that your child has become withdrawn, seems ashamed of speaking about your family, or no longer enjoys going to school, talk to their teacher, Jackson advises. See if any type of bullying has occurred, and collaborate on sharing information about your child's well-being. It's also a good idea to let the teacher know about your family dynamic so they can serve as a resource and an ally.

Talk about different family setups.

Here are wise words to help you teach your kids of all ages about the many kinds of families.

Adoptive and Foster Families

Preschool: "Sometimes mommies and daddies can't take care of a baby, so they find another family to love and care for them." (Note: Reassure your child that you are capable of caring for them if they express worry about adoption.) 

Elementary school: "There are times when a biological or 'birth parent' makes an adoption plan and places their baby with a loving family who is better able to care for their child. This family is thrilled to become the child's parents and will love them very much."

Tween: "Babies may need new families for lots of reasons, but often it is because their birth parents are too young to care for them or too sick, or there are difficult things happening in their lives that keep them from offering a baby a safe place to live. When these things happen, babies and children are adopted into new families who love and take care of them. The child may or may not grow up knowing their birth parents. Do you have any other questions, or is there anything else you want to know?" 

Transgender Parent Family

Preschool: "Some people feel like a boy and some people feel like a girl and some people feel like neither. But however a person looks and however they feel on the inside, they love their kids exactly the same."

Elementary school: "Sometimes people have genders that don't match their bodies, so they live as the opposite gender or with no gender at all. But it doesn't change how they love their kids."

Tween: "A person's sex or genitals are different from their gender identity. Some people identify as male, some as female, some as both, and some as neither. They are all loving parents too."

• RELATED: Parenting Transgender: For This Cis Woman and Trans Man, It’s Love That Makes a Family

Same-Sex Parent Households

Preschool: "There are families with two moms or two dads who love each other. They are wonderful and loving parents."

Elementary school: "Families can come in many combinations, like with two mommies or two daddies. Their families are full of love, just like ours."

Tween: Rather than sticking to a script, try to have a fuller discussion of all the LGBTQ+ terms and what they mean, plus topics of inclusion, diversity, and discrimination.

Donor Egg or Donor Sperm and Surrogacy

Preschool: "Babies grow when an egg and sperm come together. Sometimes the sperm comes from the baby's daddy, and sometimes it comes from someone else who wants to help a mommy have a baby."

Elementary school: "A baby is made when an egg is fertilized by sperm, which can come from a donor who wants to help people become parents. People need eggs or sperm donated for lots of reasons, like if a single woman wants to be a mom or two men want to be dads. They need a woman to grow the baby in her uterus—she's called a surrogate."

Tween: Have a discussion (rather than sticking to talking points), keeping explanations simple and using anatomical terms, about the situations in which donors may be used: a single woman who wants a child, a lesbian couple, a male-female couple struggling to conceive, or a transgender couple.

Sources: Monica T. Baker, MSW, Director, Domestic & Special Needs Adoption, Spence-Chapin Services to Families & Children; Child Welfare Information Gateway; Kelley Abrams, Ph.D., of the health care company Cognoa; Wayne Fleisig, Ph.D., Parents Advisor

This article originally appeared in Parents magazine's February 2021 issue as “Teach Your Child What Family Really Means” Want more from the magazine? Sign up for a monthly print subscription here

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